”The bedroom became the place where I was dealing with treatment side-effects. It doesn’t feel like a sexy place anymore. How can my partner and I get excited despite those memories in our home?”

Shawna Scott - Sex Toy Shop Founder:

”This is a very fair and valid response to the trauma of treatment. To start, I would recommend not using that room for sexy times. If you have a spare room or somewhere you could designate specifically for sex for the time being, that could be a really powerful turn-on knowing that you have a little sanctuary just for the one activity. 

In the longer term though, I would completely redecorate or remodel (if you have the budget) the bedroom. Move all the furniture around, paint the walls a new colour, get a bed frame and all new bedding. It’s incredible what visual reset can do. Again if you have a budget, it could be worth hiring a designer to help create a visually cohesive and calming space for you to thrive in and body and mind to shift the associations from “recovery room” to “sanctuary.” I would also recommend purchasing some nice scented candles or room spray, as smell can have such a massive impact on our sense memory of a time and place.”

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator:

“Start in a different room. Make your room over so that it feels new and sexy for you both, if you’re both ready for that. Some people use sage stick and like the idea of cleansing a room of its old energy. Some find a new colour and new bedclothes help. Some prefer to find each other again in a different space all together. Give yourselves permission to try things out, and allow that things might not work. If you both have permission to make suggestions and try things, then ensure you have permission to stop things or change them if they aren’t working. That way it feels easier to try new things. Some people need a change of scene just to learn how to reconnect again and choose to do that on a break away. Play to your strengths and talk it through.”

Mary Rogan Retired General Practitioner & Psychosexual Therapist:

“If you get anxious or have difficulties, scale it back to talking first of all, walk, go for a meal, dance together or swim together.”

“How can I suggest spicing things up in the bedroom?”

Shawna Scott - Sex Toy Shop Founder:

“Sexual desire in long term relationships will always ebb and flow like the tides. Taking that initial step to try to get yourself and your partner out of a sexual rut or routine can be a little intimidating. No one wants to hurt their partner’s feelings, and that is often the worry. The other inevitability of sexual selves is change. Our desire and what we desire is always changing and evolving based on life stages, environmental factors, cultural factors, health factors like cancer. That’s a great jumping off point for a conversation. It’s also important for patients to feel supported, desired, and cared for by their partner(s) on this journey:”

“What has been turning you on lately?”
“Have you had any unexpected fantasies or sex dreams recently? If so what were they?”
“How do you think treatment has/will affected your desire and what your desires are?”

My partner and I have never used sex toys but I’d like to try something new.. where should we start?

Shawna Scott - Sex Toy Shop Founder:

“This is so awesome that you both want to try something new. The first thing you should do is have a conversation about what kinds of toys you would like to use, as it’s such a huge umbrella. Try to figure out what exactly you want to get out of using toys and what sensations you would like to explore. Is it a case where you have sensitivity loss post surgery and you would like a vibrator to help bring you to orgasm? Perhaps you would like to explore power exchange with restraints? Maybe you’re interested in strap-on sex, but not sure where to begin. 

I might be biased, but I’m a big fan of my own shops, SexSiopa.ie (pleasure-based) & Bodygra.ie (healthcare based), as all the products I stock are made from bodysafe materials like silicone, hard plastic, and glass. You can have these conversations while you browse the sites and discuss what toys and accessories tickle your fancy.”

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator:

“Start by talking about it together. Don't  start by buying toys for each other as there is so much room for that to go wrong. Find out what you’re curious about. What sensation are you after? Go onto some educational sites like Pleasure Mechanics where you can see short video reviews of toys before you buy. Toys can be really expensive so if you find a toy you like the look of, you might want to start with a cheap version of that toy. If you do that, make sure to pop a condom over the toy when using it as the cheaper the toy, the less likely it is to be made of body safe materials such as medical grade silicone. The condom will prevent any nasty chemical leaching into your skin while you try out the toy. Then you can find the toy you like and invest in a more expensive, safer and better made toy such as the Lelo range. Nb: not all expensive toys are body safe!”

I don’t know whether / how to mention my cancer experience when I’m dating.. how can I bring it up with a new person?

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Don’t unless it’s relevant and you feel safe to do so. It’s going to be an important part of who you are and of your life experience. But you get to decide who you tell and how much you share. Take your time. I’m a fan of slowing down and taking care of our vulnerable parts by getting to know someone a bit before sharing more than feels comfortable. If you live with changes to your body/functioning, it’s important to let your prospective lover know in advance so that neither of you get surprised or become too vulnerable. How they cope with the conversations will help you to know if they’re the right person to take your clothes off with. Go slow. There is  no rush.”

Mary Rogan Retired General Practitioner & Psychosexual Therapist

“Approach new relationships, as you would have in the past. I agree with the advice above to slow down and take your time. In my youth, sex didn’t just happen! We spent lots of time getting to know one another, and then moving onto slow, touching and ended with sexual touching without penetration. This is actually very good way of approaching a new sexual relationship whether or not you have a diagnosis of cancer the journey can be very pleasurable.”

My partner and I have gone through so much heaviness.. how can we bring a lighter atmosphere to sex?

Shawna Scott - Sex Toy Shop Founder:

“My recommendation is 2-fold: re-learn how to flirt with your partner. There is nothing more joyful and light than having a good flirt just for the sake of it, without any expectation or pressure to have sex. Even if you do it in a joking or ironic way at first juxtaposed against the heaviness, it will absolutely lighten the mood and give you both some emotional breathing room to work with. Secondly, I would recommend doing a light, non-sexual activity before any scheduled sex. Go for a scenic walk or drive, listen to a favourite album together, take a pottery class, visit an aquarium, etc. Use that activity as a transitional mental buffer between the heaviness of everyday life and the sex you both want to have.”

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator:

“This is a lovely question and one that is best asked of your partner. Find out if you’re on the same page about lightening things first of all. Then spend some time figuring out what lightening things might look like. It’s easy to assume that you want the same things but quite often there can be subtle differences that can make or break an experience. “Lightening things up” to one person could mean playing dress- up and role-play. Another person might find that too much as a starting point and may need more to feel a solid connection before feeling ready to play. Timing is important.”

I do not know how to touch myself anymore. The sensation in my body is different to what it used to be. How can I make touching myself enjoyable again?

Shawna Scott - Sex Toy Shop Founder:

“This is so common. During and after treatment, some places can be less sensitive or more sensitive. Some areas may be sore for quite some time. It’s important to listen to our bodies and what its sensory needs are. If you have sensitivity loss, a vibrating sex toy may be a good option. If your skin is sensitive to the touch, you could practice touching yourself over your underwear. If you’re sore, you could use pillows or positioning wedges to make yourself more comfortable when you touch yourself. Just like when you first started exploring your sexual self when you were younger, it may take some trial and error and a lot of patience, but you’ll get there. It may not look or feel exactly the way it did before, but you will discover what works for you.”

Emily Power-Smith - Sexologist & Educator

“Start alone, as it’s easier without the pressure of pleasing another person. Take the pressure off yourself to turn yourself on, and just start searching for touch that feels good. Give yourself time and a place that feels conducive to sensuality and pleasure. Breath and take your time. Our bodies change naturally over time and this is a solid practice for all of us whether we’ve been ill or not. So don’t worry. You might find that touching yourself in this context brings up feelings of loss or grief. That’s okay. It’s natural and appropriate. Try to lean into these feelings and keep your breath going. They will pass as your body releases them. It’s a healthy way to feel and to release. Try approaching your body with appreciation for surviving. Try approaching yourself with love and curiosity. Our bodies tend to open up more with that approach.”

Mary Rogan Retired General Practitioner & Psychosexual Therapist

“The Self Focus program would be lovely here. Begin with time to yourself, a warm room, a nice scented candle. Begin with a shower or bath and take note of the sensation of the water on different parts of your body. What does it feel like when you dry yourself with a warm fluffy towel? Start with this and move onto using body lotion or oil on non-sexual parts of your body.

And slowly explore your sexual areas when you feel comfortable to do so. Remember you're not doing this to induce desire or arousal but to find what touches feel good.”